Durch die Nacht und das dichteste Geäst
Du meine Güte! Never have I felt so uncontrollably angry at someone to the point of blowing my top! Such a startling episode I have had this evening... and in the middle of London, of all places, really... *sigh*
It makes me wonder if stark stubborness, 'face' credibility, and particularly, old age are reasons enough to cloud an unrestrained view of obvious sense and logic from one whom I gather (all my life growing up knowing) would have incredible knowledge and intelligence, vast life experiences, and stern, disciplined caution.
It makes me wonder what else besides facts, evidences, and proofs will it take before one realises that his current course of action is detrimental and indeed adulteratedly faulty, inaccurately wrong, and fellaciously erroneous, based simply on some benign and untrustworthy external opinions; an action that would inevitably require major refurbishments immediately in order to save what I already fear is a brittle and fragile familial situation.
It makes me wonder if I will see eye to eye with my old man ever again :(
'Filial piety', an ancient tradition quite unlike primogeniture... now THAT certainly didn't happen tonight. I have become so numb now, just looking back at the audacity of it all, and worse still, I am powerless to stop it. This blog seems to be the only outlet I can think of at the moment.
*sigh* Suminasen, kokoro ga tsuyoi, michi ni mayoi mashita desu. Linkin Park has a nice way of putting this crazy preoccupation in my head:
...
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
...
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
...
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
...
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
...
Damit ich keine Ängste mehr kenne? God help.
5 comments:
Hey Kai,
it makes me sad to read such things in your blog which is usually supposed to be a place of joy and pleasure. I wish you the power and the will to resolve the situation and emanate even stronger.
Bear up man!
Tobi
... hey man, give me a call if you want to scream at someone, or just to de-stress.
Justin
Ur phone isnt responding... u alright man?
Kai, dont know what to say here...
Man, you've never let us down before, so we won't let you down if you need us. Send us email... tell us you are ok. We want to KNOW you ARE ok.
There is something in you Kai, you build such trust in the people around you, you are always in the middle of our group, you keep us going when things were tough, and we all made it through -- thanks to you, your generosity, your open-mindedness, and your sincerity (never wanting/suggesting anything in return for what you did for us!).
It is sad that your dad can never come to terms with your life-philosophy. But you know what? You'll never be alone. You have Friends everywhere.
Go on, give us a holler, whenever you like it.
Currie Hallers
Hey guys,
Wow... thanx for all your kind words, and all those thoughtful emails too. Heh heh heh... I am fine, really, just a bit shaken up, but still alive :)
You know what? I am suddenly reminded of an email content I received some time ago, from a very good friend who wrote '... nice to have friends that care about each other (einander!)...' Indeed. These are miracles I keep close to me. God bless.
Anyway, in truth, I was not surprised of the whole episode happening. I was expecting it to happen sooner or later, but on Friday, I miscalculated how far it would go. I pray and hope that I haven't burned the bridges just yet.
I do have a plan, but it requires a lot of patience from all around. And I stand to lose several more things while trying to regain this one. But family shall always be at the top of our priorities.
Well, we'll just have to see how it goes. I still see the glass half-full :)
Cheers!
Kai
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